This is an ultimate test. Life seems to be holding up a mirror to my choices while my choices reflect the flaws of my life. It’s a mysterious cycle that doesn’t even make any sense, yet I remain grateful. I know I haven’t lived nearly as much as others and in many ways, I am naïve. I have worries that often paralyse my actions and test my will. I question my way of life and my pace. I see others’ ways and am in awe of how different we are and how much more they seem to benefit.
I think difference is important, not just in an arbitrary or feel-good way. Difference is crucial to recognise and remember because of how it impacts us all. Our ways are not the only way, our ways frustrate others just as theirs frustrate us. Sometimes we harm others to varying degrees and sometimes they harm us. Nothing may be intentional, often quite the opposite. My way is slow, reflective, and seemingly-static. However, I don’t forget that some recognise strength and beauty in my way, especially when hardship arrives and I struggle.
Some say my way allows me to be thoughtful and perceptive, giving me insight and foresight. It reserves my energy until the moment comes, when big decisions and actions must be made and carried out. My way doesn’t lead to regret because I consider every angle, every emotion and consequence for myself and others, as much as I can. My way is open to suggestion not because I’m clueless or weak or too lazy to make my own choices but because I value and respect others’ perspectives and want to learn. My way sees the good in everyone and everything, even if my personality tends to worry and fear. My way is complex as we all are.
In the end, gratitude remains. I remain healthy and supported by loving friends and family. I know there will be harder battles so I treasure the small moments of relief and pleasure. I have the privilege to learn and teach others. I have my hands and body, music, my knowledge and skills. I have hope and determination.
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This was written two months ago, when life seemed like one big downward spiral. It feels strange to read these words when I’m in such a positive state now. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the US and I am celebrating with my family again after seven years. I am also ready to post more often and less preciously. There’s much to be thankful for and I wish you happiness in whatever form it may take.
