As anticipated, starting a blog has not been easy. If you’re anything like me, you’ll start out by feeling that rush of excitement, with a gleam in your eye, uplifted by the potential outlet for your creativity and a new, shiny project to distract yourself from the emptiness of your calendar. You’ll come up with so many ideas, all of which you will refuse to write down because it’s just that much more precious hidden inside your own head. Then, as the days go by, you’ll start to overthink, worry a little more than usual, maybe ask a handful of people who have their own lives to deal with whether they think it’s a good idea or not. By that point, it’ll be nearly a month since you first thought of starting a blog.
This was my process, but with the help of kind and patient souls, I have managed to get here. However, I don’t blame myself entirely for this slow burn. We are living in ‘unprecedented times’, as announced by everyone everywhere. And we are dealing with it in ways unique to our own situations.
For me, this involved getting coronavirus-like symptoms and becoming incapacitated for nearly three weeks. During this time, my sense of self-worth reached an all-time low. As I lay in bed with just enough energy to scroll through social media, I noticed that many Facebook friends had remained physically healthy and creatively active. They were posting about staying motivated, about using this precious free time to boost their creativity, or to learn new repertoire, or simply indulge in wellness activities. As I scrolled through picture after picture of freshly-baked sourdough bread, I thought about my own life and what I wanted to do. What makes me motivated? Apparently it was having a schedule full of obligations. What could I create? Aside from interpreting the music of others, I’d never really done anything else. Okay, what music did I want to be playing? This should be easy, I can finally use the free time to learn some new solo repertoire…but I’m feeling alone enough as it is. As for taking care of myself, I could barely get out of bed to use the toilet, let alone start an intensive work-out routine or learn how to roast a chicken. Besides, my own mental and physical well-being seemed pretty unimportant compared to the meaningful performances and fundraisers and collaborative projects being shared and liked and praised as ‘medicine for the soul’.
As the days went by and my health gradually improved, I tried to distract myself by looking for a job. This didn’t make me feel any better. My new question became: what kind of work could keep me intellectually and creatively satisfied as well as financially afloat? As I scoured the internet for open positions, only to write myself off for every single one because I felt undeserving, inexperienced, and a fraud, I finally realised that I had a problem. I didn’t know what I wanted. I felt like an imposter. I was scared of the future, yet paralysed to do anything about it.
One day, as I was again mindlessly scrolling through social media, I came across a picture of a stack of books. The spines were clearly visible, and I was surprised because it was not the kind of post that the user — an old friend — usually shared. Underneath, the caption read something like, ‘I am taking a necessary break from my usual posts, and these have helped me through difficult times’. They were all books for personal development, with some philosophical literature mixed in. Certain words in the titles stuck out to me: ‘uncertainty’, ‘creative battles’, ‘secrets of successful women’. I felt a flash of electricity run through my body and before I was even fully cognisant, I had three new books in my kindle.
I know personal development literature isn’t for everyone; many have no patience or feel no need for others to tell them that they are worthy or special or deserving. For me, it’s not so much about what is written within (admittingly, many can be pretty useless) but rather what their presence represents: a wake-up call. Personal development signifies to me that something needs to change, that something isn’t working anymore. To put it more positively, it shows a registered desire for growth and a willingness to take action.
After I bought the books, I scheduled a Zoom call with my old friend to ask about their thoughts on each work. I wanted to know how they have specifically felt helped by them, but also I wanted to know how they were doing now. I told them about my own situation and through our conversation, gained an incredible sense of personal connection, as well as useful career advice. This led me to write to other friends, some just to reach out, others to discuss personal development and the ways in which it is used in the fields of business and management. Slowly, I developed a method for sorting out my own skills, interests, and ideas into goals and actions that stem from a central purpose, one based on my background and values (I will discuss this in more detail in my next blog post). Miraculously, I even received a temporary (but it’s a start!) job offer. The impetus of all of this came from a single Instagram post in which a user revealed that they had also needed some help.
Throughout this quarantine, I have not seen many posts by my creative friends on social media about the psychological and/or emotional impacts that this pandemic has had on them. And for the most part, I understand; we are often told to keep strong and stay positive in the face of adversary. However, one of the dangers of being forced to remain indoors and having only the internet to stay updated and connected to the outside world is that we are (consciously or unconsciously) consuming the products of other people, accepting what they are telling us about their lives, about how strong they are, how productive, how valuable. When, in day-to-day reality, most of us feel the opposite. Most people, if you happen to talk to them on the phone, or through video, would say that they’ve been feeling down; that they’ve had to deal with family issues, or that they fear for their futures, financially and professionally. This communication seems so starkly different from the communication of content on social media.
I guess what I’m trying to say (mainly to myself) is: be more aware of your consumption of other people’s presentations of their lives. Try to recognise your own emotions when using social media, and if it makes you feel down, mute, unfollow, or simply step away for a period. And if you’re the one creating content (BOTH personally and professionally), take a moment to think about the many experiences of those who follow you. Remember that social media is consistently gaining power and influence over people’s lives. And finally, be encouraged by the potential for a single post, revealing a little vulnerability, to be somebody’s catalyst for positive change.
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Check out these books and let me know if you’ve read them/what you think! I’m also always open to more suggestions!
The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield
Effortless Mastery, by Kenny Werner
The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, by Valerie Young
